You Fancy huh?

Something really embarrassing happened to me last week. I became the Mayor of Jeffrey’s. Yes, I Amanda, use Swarm (formerly Foursquare) to check in places. I know that is “like so 2010” but I like to do it. I like to know where I’ve been. I like to look and see if it feels like 100 years since I’ve had a really awesome coffee at an independent coffee shop or if it actually has been.

Now if you’re not from Austin and you’ve just read my affirmation of my love of Swarm, you are probably thinking: “So what.” Fair point. I’ll get there. If you are from Austin, there are a couple things you could be thinking. So I’ll start to clear that up. No, I’m not a waitress there.  No, I’m not a middle-aged business man who needs to cut down on his red meat consumption. No, I’m not independently wealthy.

I’m a media supervisor at an ad agency and as part of my job I build relationships with sales reps from digital, television, and print publications. Sometimes that relationship building takes place over dinner. Sometimes that dinner is at a swanky steakhouse that is an Austin institution with steaks that start at $55.

Courtesy of travelsquire.com

Jeffrey’s Facade – Courtesy of travelsquire.com

Now, I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s not a damn good steak. It is. If you have an anniversary, or any particularly important celebration coming up, go to Jeffrey’s. Get one of their yummy cocktails, sample the cheese cart, talk to the sommelier and get a great bottle of wine, throw caution and the World Health Organization to the wind an indulge in some delicious red meat. Do it. You will have celebrated well.

What I am going to say, that being the Mayor of this fine institution is embarrassing. I hold no other mayorships. Zero. So for this to be the only one, just makes me feel weird. I have been there a total of 4 times, and each time I have felt extremely spoiled to be eating so well…and like an imposter. This is a fancy people place. I am a fancy lady…but not that fancy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I typically am fine with self-identifying as a Swarm user. I still am. But I was really taken back by how much of a fraud being the mayor of Jeffrey’s would make me feel. If at all possible I’d like to abdicate the thrown. The Major of Jeffrey’s should not be me, it really has to be the guy with the killer mustache who does both the cocktail and the cheese cart. Am I right?

Grief Equilibrium

Today is one of those days where I’m blogging for myself. I just need to get something off my chest. As always, I have this small hope that my thoughts might help someone else, it certainly can’t hurt.

Today marks 2 years since my mom died. I feel similarly this year on this day as I did last. Like everyone is expecting me to be curled up in the fetal position somewhere waiting for November 17th.

Now I get that this is irrational. And I get that everyone that makes contact with me today to let me know that they are thinking of me or that they hope I’m doing well is being nice. They are doing what they’re supposed to do. They are trying to remind me that they love and care about me. For the record, I appreciate that. Honestly. I do. I have an amazing network of loving and supportive family and friends and I truly feel lucky to have them. However, there is a small part of me that reads each of those messages as “Hey, just wanted to remind you that your mom died on this day. Love you.”

I know that is unfair, but I can’t help it. What is really comes down to, is that today isn’t different for me. There are a slew of other days in the past year that were way more difficult than today will be. For Example:

  • December 25th – When I had to witness my dad propose to another woman that is nothing like her.
  • Jan 5th – When my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time and I couldn’t share that with her and tell her how sorry I am that I’ve fallen for a Packers fan.
  • Feb something – When I found out my cousin, and her favorite niece, had mailed back the Christmas gifts I bought her children. Reasons unknown. And I couldn’t call her up and cry, and have her help me understand why her family is so crazy and incomprehensibly rude.
  • April 13th – When I got to go to a conference in NYC for work and couldn’t sneak off at night to see a musical with her.
  • June 11th – When I had my second birthday without her.
  • August 26th – When my childhood best friend and I went to Colorado and saw these beautiful mountain vistas and I couldn’t text her the pictures.
  • November 10th – When I got promoted for the second time this year and couldn’t call her to celebrate and beg her not to brag too much about it to her friends.

Yeah, today is not nearly as bad as any of those other days this past year. Today is just another day without her.

So thank you to everyone who has and will check on me today. That’s really nice of you. Just know that I’m not off somewhere weeping. I’m likely fine. I could be laughing. Regardless, I miss her every second of everyday and always will. It’s the ups and downs of my life that tip the scales on grief equilibrium, not the calendar.