Grief Equilibrium

Today is one of those days where I’m blogging for myself. I just need to get something off my chest. As always, I have this small hope that my thoughts might help someone else, it certainly can’t hurt.

Today marks 2 years since my mom died. I feel similarly this year on this day as I did last. Like everyone is expecting me to be curled up in the fetal position somewhere waiting for November 17th.

Now I get that this is irrational. And I get that everyone that makes contact with me today to let me know that they are thinking of me or that they hope I’m doing well is being nice. They are doing what they’re supposed to do. They are trying to remind me that they love and care about me. For the record, I appreciate that. Honestly. I do. I have an amazing network of loving and supportive family and friends and I truly feel lucky to have them. However, there is a small part of me that reads each of those messages as “Hey, just wanted to remind you that your mom died on this day. Love you.”

I know that is unfair, but I can’t help it. What is really comes down to, is that today isn’t different for me. There are a slew of other days in the past year that were way more difficult than today will be. For Example:

  • December 25th – When I had to witness my dad propose to another woman that is nothing like her.
  • Jan 5th – When my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time and I couldn’t share that with her and tell her how sorry I am that I’ve fallen for a Packers fan.
  • Feb something – When I found out my cousin, and her favorite niece, had mailed back the Christmas gifts I bought her children. Reasons unknown. And I couldn’t call her up and cry, and have her help me understand why her family is so crazy and incomprehensibly rude.
  • April 13th – When I got to go to a conference in NYC for work and couldn’t sneak off at night to see a musical with her.
  • June 11th – When I had my second birthday without her.
  • August 26th – When my childhood best friend and I went to Colorado and saw these beautiful mountain vistas and I couldn’t text her the pictures.
  • November 10th – When I got promoted for the second time this year and couldn’t call her to celebrate and beg her not to brag too much about it to her friends.

Yeah, today is not nearly as bad as any of those other days this past year. Today is just another day without her.

So thank you to everyone who has and will check on me today. That’s really nice of you. Just know that I’m not off somewhere weeping. I’m likely fine. I could be laughing. Regardless, I miss her every second of everyday and always will. It’s the ups and downs of my life that tip the scales on grief equilibrium, not the calendar.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s